Today Bryan preached on love and how our ability to love others is seriously hindered by how well we receive love from God, I had to admit to myself while in the service and to God that I struggle with receiving his unconditional love and thus find it hard to give his unconditional love, especially to the hard to love. This receiving of God's love is the area of my life that I have continued to struggle with the most; sometimes I accept it and receiving it willingly and other times I feel like it's available to everybody but me. I have taught in class that when I am at my worst God is still at His best. My mind truly knows this but somehow still my heart seems to forget this on a regular basis.
What I tend to do with difficult relationships is to just let them do their thing and I will do mine; I gladly let them go their way and I will make sure wherever they are I am not; I am so glad that God doesn't do this to me.
So what am I to do but cry out to God and ask Him to make the changes in me that I cannot. My survivor mentality finds it very hard to yield control and risk more intimacy with him by reaching out one more time to the unloveable. It's so much easier for me to self protect than it is to try one more time with someone who has hurt me deeply. So unfortunately, I would say I am a master at wall building and a novice at receiving and giving unconditional love.
I believe all this stems from my childhood when my home was the least safe place to be and love was sadly lacking. Yes, I am broken in this area of my life but God is still in the business of healing and restoring the brokenness I cannot. So I chose this morning to AGAIN bring my brokenness to Jesus and ask Him to do what I cannot (the impossible) and surrender myself to His Lordship, being willing to do whatever He asks of me (the possible). Divine sovereignty and human responsibility working hand in hand.
So thankful for God's amazing grace which is new every single day, abundant, plentiful and POWERFUL!
